Obstacle

It was a cruel trick of nature to have such complementary seasonal occupations as lifeguard and mall Santa demand such different physical figures.

Faux Pas

If your date is interesting, I think it's totally acceptable to exclaim, "Ah gross. My burp tasted like water."

Talent

As far as you know, I do a great mermaid accent.

Fame

It would be sad to be recognized on the street as the token minority of the group of male senior citizens from some commercial for a urological drug. You would always be sighing and saying, "My character had a name."

Statement

The supermarket's lack of travel-sized peanut butter seemed like a good reason to go crazy at the time.

Hard Hitting

Santa coming back the next night and burning down some houses and then some hot shot lawyer with a sweet tooth for the spotlight claiming a postpartum depression insanity defense, that would be gritty.

Physique

I often confuse dreams with memories of actual events. Please notify me if you can confirm that you have seen a man with a tongue where his thumb should be. Thanks.

Giving

When we all fill one shoebox with gifts for a precious child in need, I hope my kid realizes that, while he or she may only be getting a single diorama, it can be interpreted on a number of levels, even if some shallow high school teacher failed to recognize that .

Finale

A good last line for a movie would be: "I'm no ambulance driver. I am just a bookmobile operator who had directions to the hospital at the right time."

Winter

A romantic person will remind you that, like humanity, each individual snowflake is unique. A sexy person will remind you that each snowflake melts when he or she touches it, or tongue-touches it.

Status

If they won't listen to what I have to say about something like the evolution of moral relativism, maybe they will notice that I have one of the most distinct anklet tans. Not that I would ever mention it.

Narrative

The story of the world's angriest porn star is one that needs to be told, and spare no detail.

Image

A small but notorious group of transsexual bank robbers is creating a very bad reputation for transsexuals, but to say that they are creating a bad reputation for bank robbers would just be bigoted.

Second Chance

If I could go back and do it all over again, I still would skateboard in empty pools with that group of fun-loving guys, but we would take more breaks for heaping bowls of children's cereals.

Outlook

Some days you're the train track. Others, you're the woman tied to the train track.

Fortune

Among all the bearded, shouting gold miners of the old-timey West, there was probably one quiet, clean-shaven cat with a slick pony-tail who was into the gold but never the rush.

Eccentric

If the Earth were to go into a sudden deep freeze on Halloween, the first alien Earth explorers may jump to some silly conclusions about our culture. As a patriot, I hope we freeze on July Fourth, but that kind of cold in July is probably too much to ask for.

Counsel

There is something off about walking outside in the morning and the doorman of your building telling you that you should try to improve your sleep posture. For one thing, I doubt he's an expert.

Imprisonment

Looking in a mirror and seeing your best friend trapped in a place known as the Mirror Dimension, you realize there's not much you can do to help him because the cops would just listen to your story and send you to a crazy hospital, but remember: if your friend is very still, you can take a marker and make it look like he is wearing sunglasses.

Drama

A professional wrestler who would do well would be one named the Sensible Puncher, unless they kept getting him with the chair.

Precaution

When walking through a shooting range, it is best to take regular swipes across your head with your hand to make sure some wise guy hasn't slipped an apple on top of you.