Babysitter For Hire

Triumph

2009-04-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today I shed a tear for the man who builds medal podiums but never gets to stand on them.

Creed

2009-04-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

The ultimate paradox would be a book cover with the title "Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover" or a copy of the novel "Catch 22" with no cover.

Clout

2009-04-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

To impress a bystander, I will yell something important into my phone, like: "Mr. Prime Minister, let's settle this as our fathers did, in a game of marbles!"

Villainy

2009-04-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

If I were a evil boss in a video game, I would tell my henchmen to focus on clearing the area of health bonuses before even thinking of attacking the good guy. There's only one of him.

Accessory

2009-04-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have an idea for a watch that goes around the head and comes with a pocket mirror to read it.

Royalty

2009-04-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

I wish society mirrored a game of checkers, and the guy walking around with another guy on his shoulders was considered king.

Performance

2009-04-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

I bet freak show auditions are the real freak shows.

Consequence

2009-04-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm naming my kid Blooper in hopes of making him a very self-conscious perfectionist.

Exploit

2009-04-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

My ideal self would be a ruggedly handsome orthodontist who never addresses the rumors that he got that scar giving braces to a bear.

Patrol

2009-04-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Cop cars should have white noise sirens so they don't annoy people as much and maybe lull fleeing criminals into a comfortable slumber.

Recess

2009-04-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

You almost have to hand it to the kid who wears a tie and a hard hat to the beach and knocks down your kid's sand castles to make way for sand condominiums, strip malls, and parking lots.

Display

2009-04-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

If nature had only been more considerate, the ultimate rock n roll concert would be a band performing on top of a living Brontosaurus. Then, during the finale, a Tyrannosaurus eats the stage.

Option

2009-04-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

When faced with a decision between a hook or a prosthetic hand with darts for fingers, the one-handed guy at the insane asylum cannot go wrong.

Paradise

2009-04-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Someday may we find ourselves where the roads are paved with gold and the unpaved roads are evenly covered with compost consisting primarily of wet cash.

Portrait

2009-04-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

When I am CEO of a thing, you will never see me without a business suit and a sippy cup.

Urbanity

2009-04-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

You have to respect someone with a black light tattoo who totally does not overplay it, but waits months, maybe years until you find yourselves naturally under the revealing rays.

Procedure

2009-04-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

You have to eat an ice sandwich quick; otherwise, you just have two soggy pieces of bread.

Grift

2009-04-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

We would all be surprised to learn that a prestigious surgeon was taking little stuff out of his patients during operations and selling it on the fish bait black market.

Transgression

2009-04-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

After cutting your brakes, an overexcited villain cuts your accelerator, your window controls, your radio dial, and your locks, creating a deathtrap barreling away at upwards of five miles per hour, while uncontrollably blaring adult contemporary hits. Are you brave enough to escape through the sunroof or steer the car into some sort of wall or pole?

Combat

2009-04-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

The worst way for two unarmed guys to begin a fight with a man holding a harpoon gun is charging in a single file line.

Quantification

2009-03-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

When someone explains that the energy of one thing could power this many houses for this many days, I always ask if he or she can convert that into something a little more tangible, like blenders per minute.

Descent

2009-03-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

A scalding hot water pipe going down through a large hole in the middle of the floor in a fire station is going to cause some problems for transfer firefighters.

Pursuit

2009-03-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

He threw a few hundred dollars at the taxi driver and yelled, "Follow that car!" They followed the car to the docks at breakneck speed. Then he pulled out a few more hundred bucks and pointed to another random car. What a thrill it is to be rich.

Safeguard

2009-03-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

At the time, taking a cell phone photo of my nude body while my Social Security and ATM pin numbers were written across my torso seemed like a very bad idea. But risk is a vixen, and I am a flirt.

Career

2009-03-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised but impressed that Snap, Crackle, or Pop have not let ego get the best of them and tried foolishly launching solo cereals.

Imitation

2009-03-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

While the idea of Johnny Appleseed is romantic, any man who inspired Johnny Brazilian Wandering Spider must be a villain.

Pace

2009-03-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

If you make new friends, but then you go to their home and find two toilets facing each other in the bathroom, take a breath and slow down.

Downfall

2009-03-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

It would stink to be a weatherman and wake up one morning to discover you had lost your powers.

Image

2009-03-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

The kid who drives the motorcycle to high school on the first day must hate it when the kid who hang glides to high school shows up immediately after him.

Labor

2009-03-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

I think sending children to work in the mines is terrible, but better it be a vitamin mine than coal or something.

Photo-op

2009-03-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

Two things local residents must be sick of having to see dumb tourists always reenacting are the famous scene from Rocky on the steps in Philadelphia, PA and the famous run from legend in Marathon, Greece.

Possibility

2009-03-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

I bet following your dream of rising to the top of an underground dance club is even more difficult when your parents have already planned out this perfect life for you running with an underground fight club.

Yore

2009-03-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I miss a purer time, when St. Patrick's was about killing leprechauns, not for the gold, but for the glory.

Utopia

2009-03-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

In a grim future, men live in packs, battling over the dwindling nut supply and worshiping Mr. Peanut as a vengeful god. I just have a hunch.

Tension

2009-03-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

I think a good source of drama is a person being forced into choosing between married life and the life a professional paintballer, and the twist is that it is a woman.

Hindrance

2009-03-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

If you were an experienced, daily tightrope walker, it would be annoying to get stuck behind one of those old people going across really slowly and they keep sticking their arm out and motioning for you to pass.

Ambush

2009-03-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

This was it. The enemy had every way out blocked, but then Old Man McAlister spoke for the first time in years, "There is one more way out." We all looked up at him. He flapped his arms a few times and then hung his head. "Damn."

Alternate

2009-03-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two, or maybe a pair of Siamese twin horses.

Expedition

2009-03-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

If you sleep without pants on and really early in the morning a man with a buzz cut you have never seen before kicks your door open and yells, "No time for pants. We're going to Space!" what a day you are in for.

Appearance

2009-03-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes an overbite can be advantageous, like if it's cute or if you are a Hungry Hungry Hippo.

Purpose

2009-03-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

A good documentary would be about a group of fearless surfers who spend their days chasing military conflicts near beaches in search of "riding the next Normandy."

Proverb

2009-03-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

The early bird gets the worm. The self-righteous bird eats a worm-shaped product made completely of seed and spends the rest of the day chirping about it.

Haunting

2009-03-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

As he went around to open the car door for his date, there, stuck in the handle, was a hook! Then he saw something even more startling: attached to the hook was fishing line, a fishing pole, and an injured fisherman.

Control

2009-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

If the car behind you rear ends you in a fast food drive thru, I think you should successfully complete the transaction, get the food, and then get out of the car, pound your chest, and shout, "And one!"

Tactics

2009-02-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

If you are willing to play dirty in a snowball fight, I think you can immediately shift the momentum in your direction by throwing just one baby porcupine.

Synchronization

2009-02-26T09:32:00.000-08:00

To see a packed stadium do the wave is cool but has grown trite. I yearn to see the uniform movement of the masses as one in a magnificent whirlpool and eventually the highly acrobatic and precise rip current.

Selection

2009-02-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

When the Earth is ending and they are putting all the valuable people on a spaceship, I hope the competitive eaters have an earnest appeal and do not come off as entitled.

Marketing

2009-02-24T09:41:00.000-08:00

I wish prostitution were legal, just to see an ad on the back of a bus that simply said, "Prostitutes!"

Effort

2009-02-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

I am impressed by anyone who gives 100 or 110 percent, but anything in between is a superhuman slap in the face.

Gratitude

2009-02-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

I wish more award show recipients would thank the elder gods, but scold the frivolous rivalries and vanities undermining the lesser gods.

Flavor

2009-02-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

The Little New England section of Manhattan was set up by some rather lackluster immigrants for some rather lazy tourists, but my real concern is not sacrificing culture for tourism.

Misuse

2009-02-20T09:15:00.000-08:00

As I looked out over all the destruction and pain caused by my creation, I realized I should have never played God. But to let this novelty sexy God costume go to waste, would not that have been the worse sin?

Attack

2009-02-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

I am terrified of the man who takes cans from my garbage. It is only a matter of time until he returns in the impenetrable aluminum suit of armor he is constructing and destroys me.

Amenities

2009-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

A bouncer who acts like he is checking a list and then always lets you in may be good for people who are also hungry for self-esteem outside a soup kitchen.

Reinvention

2009-02-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

I always chose mint-flavored fluoride at the dentist because I was not adventurous. The new me would go with new car smell.

Progress

2009-02-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

I liked science back when it was a gentleman's game of building airplanes and Polio vaccines. When did it become this circus of linking and unlinking all things to cancer?

Endearment

2009-02-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

One way to order on the big Valentine's Day date is to loudly ask the waiter for each dish with no engagement ring, and then finally for some tiramisu with a break-up locket and two spoons.

Concern

2009-02-13T09:16:00.000-08:00

In the shower, I often get lost in thought, and I find myself imagining things like I am on a game show where you must say as many palindromes as you can before you pause and are eliminated. Then the neighbors begin to panic and make phone calls because from my bathroom they hear panicked screams of "Mom! Dad! Nun!"

Wariness

2009-02-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

Kids, remember to have your parents call the gas company before you dig. Kids, but what if the gas company wants to take all the treasure for themselves?

Cynicism

2009-02-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

There was that one dinosaur who, every time he saw a meteor, would always be like, "This is it. This is the one." At the end of it all, they would bitterly ask him if he was happy with himself now. He was a little bit.

Opulence

2009-02-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

A rich person must always ask him or herself, "Can you add goat cheese to that?" Then he or she must answer, "Yes!"

Afterlife

2009-02-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm going to toss a couple hundred dollar bills at St. Peter, ask for a seat next to Jesus, and maybe tell him that I have seen pearlier.

Temptation

2009-02-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

Do pool boys and secretaries bond over the way they wreck homes, or is it a very tense rivalry full of pride and tradition?

Cost

2009-02-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

My restaurant will be all you can eat, but the price of your meal will be based on how much you order.

Legacy

2009-02-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

When I walk by, fathers tell their sons to take their hats off, for there walks the man who stole the key to the Dairy Queen bathroom and may go even when he is no longer a customer.

Danger

2009-02-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

Why would a king purposefully hire a royal taster with peanut allergies just to make himself feel relevant in stable times?

Modification

2009-02-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

I have given up on the rise of flying cars in my lifetime, but my hope remains for cars that jump very far and underwater planes.

Blueprint

2009-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

My mansion will have an Olympic-sized, heated ball pit.

Tradition

2009-02-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Imagine opening up the groundhog's cage, and where the groundhog was, there is only a hobo stirring a hearty stew. Then he looks up at our horrified faces and makes a perfect groundhog shadow puppet, and we all can't help but laugh and remember the reason for the season.

Victory

2009-01-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

A great touchdown celebration leaves you wondering how the player knew which goalpost to hide the adorable baby in before the game.

Organization

2009-01-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

First, I wonder if there is a group of women called the "ex-wives" but it's an awesome abbreviation for "extreme wives." Second, I honestly would hope that they are a group of suburban housewives leading double lives in order to fight crime and not one of these sex entertainment shows.

Evaluation

2009-01-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

I like to go to horror movies and exclaim, "How cliche!" after every murder.

Personality

2009-01-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

The more the expert safe cracker explains the irony of his own crippling insecurities to his fellow bank robbers, the more he shifts from quirky to irritating.

Expression

2009-01-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

I would like to see a bald guy take his hat off, only to reveal an image of the same hat tattooed on his head.

Distinction

2009-01-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

One of the coolest things a person can do is nonchalantly balance a boombox on his or her shoulder while driving a golf cart. You have either got it or you do not.

Nostalgia

2009-01-24T09:52:00.000-08:00

I bet an uptight cop who hated Spring Break in college could learn to love it once he is sent back there on an undercover mission and meets a woman who challenges his view on everything, all while tracking down a devious villain bent on mayhem.

Scam

2009-01-23T09:51:00.000-08:00

Outside of a burning house, a hysterical woman screams that her baby is still inside. Turns out she doesn't live there, but she just thought of a good way to get a free baby.

Toughness

2009-01-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

In my ideal job interview, when they ask me my biggest weakness, I would break the table or desk in front of me with my bare hand, and my eyes would say, "Next question."

Crisis

2009-01-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

During a near-death experience, instead of your life flashing before your eyes, due to some sort of signal interference, you have a vision of a large woman loudly debating the choices on a Long John Silver's menu to herself flash before your eyes. That would take you out of the moment.

Holiday

2009-01-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

I bet the best of both worlds would be to spend a month backpacking across several cruise ships.

Vacation

2009-01-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

If I could only take one thing with me to a desert island, no question it would be a law enforcement official because you know how I need structure.

Future

2009-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

People have different visions for a sport called ice boxing, depending on their opinion of the functionality of boxing gloves made of ice.

Penitence

2009-01-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the only way to correct your foul behavior is to wash your mouth out with soap, your hands with toothpaste, and your entire body with mouth wash.

Challenge

2009-01-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

When I own a mini-golf course, I am going to hire a guy to sit on the toilet in the middle of what would be the straightest shot to old tricky hole number 15.

Food

2009-01-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

I have this fantasy where I am eating a sandwich in front of some curtains, when suddenly the curtains spread, and a gospel choir enters, silently but energetically eating miniature versions of the very same sandwich I am consuming.

Epitaph

2009-01-13T09:39:00.000-08:00

I want my grave to say "A Leading Expert." Then people will run around to read the back, but when there's nothing there, they will look to the sky and scream, "But on what?!"

Scam

2009-01-12T09:27:00.000-08:00

Indoor kite flying sounds great unless it just means they hand you a kite on a very short string and open a window.

Conscientousness

2009-01-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

My religious objection to the Draft is not about war and violence, but about the shameful promotion of the secular concept of randomness.

Cuisine

2009-01-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

Sneakers are the shrimp tails of cannibals.

Cute

2009-01-09T09:12:00.001-08:00

I use the euphemism "always praying" for very religious people and also blind people.

Context

2009-01-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

The line between cute and insulting for a middle class kid with an upcoming birthday holding up a piece of cardboard that reads: "Help. Treehomeless." depends on the degree of actual homelessness around.

Science

2009-01-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

If evolution were real, cowboys would have evolved scalps that fell off like lizard tails.

Party Games

2009-01-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

The real challenge of a simple guessing game like "Fat Woman or Pregnant Woman?" is not for the players, but for the fact-checker(s).

Preparation

2009-01-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

I keep my knife under the pillow, in case I ever fall asleep on my knife.

Blessing

2009-01-04T09:33:00.001-08:00

If you're in an outdoor dance battle and you get struck by lightning, do whatever you can to keep going, like you planned it.

Horror

2009-01-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

Imagine how frightening this would be: To assure you that the creepy clown figurine in the other room is not coming alive and roaming the house at night, your step dad puts a loud bell around its neck. Then late one night, from the other room you hear the faint but unmistakable sound of squeaky clown shoe footsteps.

Obstacle

2008-12-30T10:55:00.001-08:00

It was a cruel trick of nature to have such complementary seasonal occupations as lifeguard and mall Santa demand such different physical figures.

Faux Pas

2008-12-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

If your date is interesting, I think it's totally acceptable to exclaim, "Ah gross. My burp tasted like water."

Talent

2008-12-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

As far as you know, I do a great mermaid accent.

Fame

2008-12-27T09:35:00.000-08:00

It would be sad to be recognized on the street as the token minority of the group of male senior citizens from some commercial for a urological drug. You would always be sighing and saying, "My character had a name."